The Worst Kind of Fishbones
by Darkhymns
Summary: Undyne and Sans both learn that flirting and alcohol are a dangerous combination. Mistakes have been made.
**You ever take a joke too far? Because that's what this story is.**

 **Sort of a sequel to my other story, ACT: FLIRT?. Contains bad humor, mild language, alcohol usage, and just terrible decisions all around.**

 **enjoy please**

* * *

No one knew where Papyrus got that whiskey from.

There were guesses. Yet it was agreed upon that he most likely got it from the dump, the land where discarded anime DVDs, comic books, and sliding whistles resided in. He had brought it back to the house just in time for their exciting sleepover party with Undyne. The bottle said it had a "VERY SOPHISTICATED FLAVOR. I'VE NEVER TASTED THAT BEFORE." Sans had given Papyrus a thumbs up for getting them something neat, and Undyne had proudly proclaimed that she was going to get fucking wasted.

So there had been a round of shots. Papyrus had forfeited early, realizing that "SOPHISTICATED TASTES LIKE ACID." Sans was cool with it, and Undyne couldn't seem to get enough of the stuff. She had challenged Sans to another round, and Sans had actually accepted. His grin wide, and his eye sockets half-lidded, he took another gulp of his shot glass, while Undyne drank straight from the bottle like a real professional.

"wow, you're really swimming through this stuff, huh?"

"What, you think I'm just gonna take wussy sips like you?" She slammed the bottle onto the table, making silverware clank against each other. "I'm just getting started anyway!"

"COULD YOU GET STARTED WITHOUT BREAKING THE TABLE AGAIN?" Papyrus asked politely. His glass was filled with pleasant milk instead of the strong whiskey. Sans assured him that milk was still a very top-notch, classy choice. "I SPENT A LOT OF TIME DUCT-TAPING IT TOGETHER!"

Indeed he had. The table wobbled on its uneven legs, gray tape splayed harshly against the hardwood.

"Don't worry, Papyrus." Undyne grinned wickedly, her grip still on the bottle. "I'll drink your brother under the table in no time flat!"

"hey, cool it." Sans grinned, finger gunning at her. "this is a family household, ya know."

She growled. "Your dirty jokes won't mess with me _this_ time!"

The oven dinged.

"OH! MY SPAGHETTI PUFFS!" Papyrus leapt from his seat, heading towards the edge of the kitchen where acrid smoke billowed.

Both Sans and Undyne were too busy eyeing each other to notice the possible looming threat of fire.

Sans held up his shot glass. "you ready to do this?"

Undyne scoffed. Her eye was blazing. " _You_ better get ready to lose, punk!"

"nah, don't think so, boss." Before she knew it, the whiskey bottle was in his hand. He poured the whiskey into his glass. "i'll tire ya out before you know it."

"As if! You're too much of a lightweight to handle this stuff!" She snatched the bottle from his hand, gulping another round.

She heard him snickering. "heh, good one."

The next couple of rounds were a blur of laughing, whiskey swilling, and Papyrus' sighs of frustration when no one would take a bite out of his now blackened spaghetti puffs, topped with a mixture of Alfredo and avocado sauce. He had worked _really_ hard on that!

"one sec, bro," Sans had said, hiccupping slightly, but his gaze fixed on Undyne. "gotta make fish cakes sleep with the fishes here.."

She laughed way too hard at that, clapping a bare hand on Sans' skull roughly, her chair now pulled up next to his. She couldn't really remember when that happened. "Come on! Is babybones afraid I'm gonna beat him?"

Sans only grinned, motioning for more of that alcohol, which vanished into the dark chasm that was his mouth. "nah, but you sure are rubbing me the wrong way." He pointed to the hand that was more or less petting his skull. "i mean, if you wanna polish my head for me, you're at the wrong place for it."

Somehow, that only made her laugh even harder. "Ha! I already said your dumb jokes won't work on me!" She only pulled him closer, too much, until they both fell off their chairs, laughing loudly.

"UNDYNE. SANS. PLEASE DON'T BREAK THE FLOOR. I DON'T WANT TO DUCT TAPE THAT, TOO."

* * *

The last thing Undyne remembered before blacking out was Sans' head in her lap and his stupid grinning face, with the remembered echo of 'something something dare you something.' Until she woke up.

And until he woke up.

Then they realized their terrible mistake.

"welp," Sans said, and then nothing else, as if burdened by the information.

Undyne said nothing, staring at the ceiling. Of Sans' room. Of Sans' room, as she clutched at his blankets.

Yeah, this was not okay.

"What the fuck?" she growled, at Sans and at herself. Mostly to herself. Holy fuck.

"guess that sums it up."

" _Don't."_

Sans' bed was big enough at least for them both, so she was able to shift all the way to the edge and at least pretend that she didn't feel any bones. Oh god she felt some bones, hadn't she? At least Sans was also keeping his distance. And was also being very quiet.

That self-sustaining tornado at the corner was going to be annoying to get through. That and she had to find her clothes. Dear god, _she had to find her clothes while she was in Sans' room how did this happen-_

She risked a quick glance to her side. Sans was mostly covered, but she didn't see his familiar hoodie, and saw more bone then she ever wanted to ever. He was also staring at the ceiling, his eye sockets completely lifeless.

Oh god why.

She turned away again. "We… a _re never speaking of this again."_ Her whisper was lethal, promising pain to whoever dared crossed her.

Sans agreed immediately. "yeah. yeah, definitely." A brief silence. "yeah."

She looked her way around the bedroom, finally finding her tanktop and pants draped across the treadmill. She was not sure how it got that far and she did not want to remember any details. Details meant despair, meant the loss of anything good in this world. "Don't look!"

The skeleton didn't move, keeping his gaze up. He might as well have been dead. Which could have been funny at any other time but _this was not the time NO._

She grimaced, feeling the chill against her scales as she stomped across the room, stepping on discarded half-eaten burgers and the like. She was about to hurl up the rest of that whiskey, but restrained herself as she grasped her clothes, pulling them on quickly.

After tying up her hair and fixing her eye patch, she dared another look at Sans who was still in his bed, still staring at the ceiling like it was the most fucking interesting thing in the world.

"If you even say a word to anyone about this, I will actually kill you."

Sans nodded. The shadows darkened around his eye sockets like hopeless things. "not, uh, not gonna kill me now?"

"No. You're gonna suffer through this just as much as I am!"

Sans chuckled slightly. "heh, wow, that's brutal." Geez, he actually looked ready to cry. Well, good! She didn't want to cry, but she _did_ want to vent to something out of pure frustration and rage. Maybe break a wall or two. She should break _his_ walls! But later, when she felt less sick to her stomach.

"it's gonna reset though," she heard Sans whisper. She had the feeling he was talking to himself. "it always resets. it always does…" Then, angrily, "it's gotta reset."

Okay, it was nice knowing she had a one night stand with someone who was a lazy fuck _and_ crazy. That made things so much better. She left the room, quickly opening and shutting the door, so grateful to be breathing fresh air that wasn't remnants of moldy fries and unwashed socks.

"GOOD MORNING, UNDYNE."

"AAGHH!" Undyne jumped back, nearly colliding with the wall.

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN SANS' ROOM?" Papyrus put on an inquisitive look, then brightened. "DID YOU HAVE A SLEEPOVER IN THERE? I WOULD'VE TOLD SANS TO CLEAN IT UP FOR THE OCCASION."

"I just-!" Undyne's breathing quickened, and for some reason, couldn't help but notice the way Papyrus' bones clacked together disturbingly. It was too familiar, as familiar as bone dust and the sounds she remembered from – NO DON'T THINK BACK TO IT. NO. NO.

"Papyrus! Where's the booze?!"

"OH?" Papyrus gestured to the kitchen. "I LEFT IT ON THE SINK. I WAS GOING TO WASH OUT THE ACID. IT'S RUNING MY SOPHISTICATED EXPERIENCE." But Undyne had already run off in midsentence, hoping to drown out the surfacing memories with alcohol, and conveniently forgetting that it was alcohol that got her here in the first place.

"OH, HI SANS." She heard from out in the hallway, already sucking on the more-than-half-empty bottle. Her fangs cracked the lid opening, but she didn't care. "YOU LOOK VERY PALE. WHICH IS WEIRD. BECAUSE WE ARE SKELETONS AND PALENESS IS OUR HERITAGE."

No witty comeback or terrible pun. Just an all-suffering silence that she wished she didn't relate to. "yeah, uh. going to work. see ya."

"BUT SANS. IT IS THE WEEKEND. AND YOU BARELY WORK ANYWAY."

"making up for lost time starting now. yep. yep, that's it. yep, i'm out. yep. uh. going."

"AT LEAST SAY GOODBYE TO UNDYNE – OH WOW." Papyrus then walked into the kitchen. "I TRIED TO MAKE SANS SAY GOODBYE, BUT HE RAN OUT REALLY FAST. HE MUST BE EAGER TO GET TO WORK."

Undyne didn't respond, currently drinking herself half to death.

* * *

The good thing about living in an endless time loop where you witnessed your friends die over and over again like some kind of twisted purgatory was that things started over. Eventually. That tab you didn't pay? It set back to zero. That hot dog you dropped? Back in your hand since that last week never happened. There was no progress, no real meaning to anything – but there were also no consequences. Which Sans was counting on, was begging for, as he and Undyne avoided each other the best they could in the coming days.

Then the kid came by, befriended everyone, and got them out of the Underground. It was great, really… really GREAT, except things stood as they were now. Instead of resets from murderous flowers, he was now living with terrible, haunting, _fishy_ memories that kept him up most nights. Well, more so than the usual.

Of course. Of course the _one time_ he wanted a goddamn reset, he got freed with all his friends and family instead. And not to sound ungrateful or anything, but wasn't it his damn luck that the timeline where he fucked up the most was the one that stuck? REALLY? Frisk was a good kid, too. They had gotten their happy ending, and wouldn't do a thing to ruin it.

He was _so fucking lucky._

"HOW EXCITING. TO FINALLY LIVE ON THE SURFACE." Papyrus yammered away at him as they packed their bags, throwing in spare bones from his box into a suitcase. He was trying to close it up, resulting in half-torn luggage. "I'D BE EVEN MORE EXCITED IF YOU AND ASGORE'S CLONE HADN'T RUINED IT WITH TERRIBLE, OUTDATED JOKES."

"glad i could help," Sans answered, seated on a pile of his clothes that he had taken out of his room to pack away in his own suitcase. But he had given up half-way, and just decided to lounge, watching his brother wrestle their television set into a flimsy plastic bag. Tori was pretty cool. He would've gone with her and Frisk to check out the Surface a little more, but Papyrus had wanted them to be prepared once they officially moved out, and he didn't want to leave his bro hanging.

The doorbell rang. Papyrus shot up full straight, his bones creaking. "THAT MUST BE UNDYNE."

The door then started pounding. Wood cracked under pressure.

"THAT IS DEFINITELY UNDYNE."

Sans stiffened. Every casual bone in his body suddenly went to full alertness. "oh, uh, really?" His pupils shifted. "why?"

"TO HELP US PACK OUR THINGS. AND ALSO FINISH OUR FOOD. WE HAVE A LOT OF IT."

"so we're having dinner together?"

"EXACTLY."

"please, no."

Undyne finally kicked down the door. Snow flurried inside. Her red hair waved in the breeze, arms crossed, both to look cool and also to shield herself from the chill. "Hey, Papyrus!"

Her eye locked to Sans' nonexistent ones. She paled. Suddenly, it all came back. All the _memories-_

Sans got to his feet. "welp, gotta go to work."

"SANS. WE DON'T HAVE JOBS ANYMORE. WE ARE NOW JOBLESS."

"yeah, but-"

"AND BEFORE WE MOVE ONTO THE SURFACE TO BECOME HOMELESS AS WELL, WE SHOULD EAT FIRST." Papyrus turned to his best friend excitedly. "I HAVE SO MUCH LEFTOVER SPAGHETTI, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO CARRY IT ALL. AND WE CAN'T WASTE GOOD FOOD."

Between Sans and the spaghetti, Undyne looked like she was having a bad time. "Sure, uh, I mean, yeah! No sweat!" She flexed her muscles, scales rippling. "Alphys was going to come by too, but then she had to help all those amalgamates get to their families…" She scratched the back of her head. "Well? Let's eat already!"

Sans took a step to the right, saw an opening for maybe a short-

"SANS." Papyrus grabbed his brother by the hood. "I SAVED A PLACE FOR YOU AT THE TABLE. WHERE YOU ALWAYS SIT."

"pap, wait-"

His brother manhandled him into a wooden chair, nearly cracking his tail bone. Sans winced, and then winced some more when Papyrus shoved over the 3 month old spaghetti and meatballs onto his plate. Papyrus took pity on him and handed him a ketchup bottle to wash it all down.

"uh, heh, actually not that hungry-"

"UNDYNE. YOU SIT RIGHT HERE. FOR SYMMETRY." Papyrus shoved the fish warrior into the seat that was across the dinner table from Sans.

Both held their breath.

Nnnnnyeeah, Sans wanted to die.

Papyrus, seating himself right at the middle center of the table, clutched his fork with glee. "I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE HAD DINNER TOGETHER. OR ACTUALLY." He placed a gloved hand over his chin. "OH YEAH. UNDYNE, YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE DRINKING THAT ACID STUFF AND-"

Undyne slammed her fist into her spaghetti plate; spattering sauce all around her. "I don't remember anything!"

"OH. WELL, SANS-"

"nu uh." Sans was pushing around a meatball. "i was at grillby's."

Papyrus narrowed his eye sockets. "NO, YOU WEREN'T."

A low mutter. "i wish i was."

Undyne growled, eating her pasta open-mouthed, glaring angrily at the table.

Papyrus look to both his brother and best friend. Then stopped. Then at his best friend and brother. Then stopped again. Finally…

"WHY ARE YOU TWO BEING SO AWKWARD WITH EACH OTHER?"

Neither Sans nor Undyne would answer.

"IT'S REALLY WEIRD. LIKE YOU TWO HOLD SOME TERRIBLE, UNSANITARY SECRET."

Undyne bit the end of her fork off. Sans' bones rattled slightly.

"I MEAN, I AM ONLY GUESSING."

A long awkward silence passed between monsters. One could even hear the whine of some annoying dog in the distance.

Sans ruined it with, "i can't get the taste of fish out of my mouth."

Undyne stood up, flicking back her chair to the floor. _"You fucking little shit!"_

Sans glared back at her, pupils winking out from his eye sockets. "i'm not the one who wouldn't stop at twenty shots."

Papyrus held up his hand. "UM-"

"And I'm not the one who kept reading from his stupid joke book the whole night as if people were listening!"

"EXCUSE ME-"

"obviously _someone_ was listening."

"HELLO-"

"You're blaming me for this?! For what you did?"

"IF I COULD JUST-"

"well, it's not my fault my room smells like sushi now."

"PLEASE, FRIENDS!" Papyrus' voice whined in the air, so pitiful, so keening. It brought the other two to full attention. "IS MY SPAGHETTI MAKING YOU TWO IRRITABLE? HAS MY COOKING SKILLS LOWERED SO DRAMATICALLY?"

Undyne flinched, eye wide. She then patted Papyrus' back. "No! No, I love your spaghetti! See?!" She titled a plate down her gaping maw, face crinkling, but still swallowing it all down. "LOVE IT!"

"yeah, bro, your stuff's great. look, i cleaned off my plate." Sans held up said empty plate.

Undyne slapped the plate out of his hand. "I just saw you dump it all in the sink."

"ya got no proof."

"WAIT. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW." Papyrus stood between his two dearest companions in the world. He took hold of both their hands. "THE SHY GLANCES. THE FLUSTERED LOOKS. THE UNRESOLVED TENSION THAT BRIMS IN THE AIR BETWEEN YOU. IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING."

Undyne grinned so hard, her jaw was ready to snap. "But, uh-"

Sans was sweating so much that his hood was starting to drench. "look, we just-"

"IT ALL POINTS TO HOW MUCH YOU BOTH WANT TO DUEL EACH OTHER." He pulled up both their hands in triumph – he was basically holding Sans up off the floor at this point. "THIS POWER OF FRIENDSHIP. IT BEGS FOR A FIGHTING COMPETITION BETWEEN YOU TWO."

Sans blinked. "that's really what you got from this?"

"OF COURSE." Then he embraced both friend and brother. His eye sockets glistening (somehow) with resolve. "I CAN FEEL YOUR HEARTS BEATING AS ONE. YOU TWO WANT TO RESOLVE YOUR FEELINGS IN A BRUTAL BRAWL. AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT UNDYNE SAID IT USUALLY MEANT WHEN PEOPLE FIGHT."

Undyne was trying to not have Papyrus' bony elbow dig into her stomach. "I, uh, sure?"

"YES. FRIENDS AND FIGHTING ARE INSEPERABLE." Papyrus excitedly tapped his feet against the floor. "OH. WE SHOULD HAVE A FRIENDLY DUEL." His boney forehead crinkled in thought. "IF ONLY WE COULD FIGHT SOMEWHERE…"

Undyne winced a little. "I hope you don't mean the lava pit-"

"GOOD IDEA. LAVA PIT!"

* * *

And then they were at the lava pit.

Steam rose from the magma of Hotland below. A long plank connected two spans of land, serving as a flimsy bridge, with Undyne and Sans taking each side.

Papyrus was clapping his gloved hands. "YOUR RESOLUTION WILL PAVE THE WAY TO HAPPINESS."

Undyne, though she had a spear in her hand, held it like a heavy wad of laundry, not wanting to lift it. "Yeah, I guess."

Sans was looking at the ground. "uh huh."

Neither instigated the battle. Papyrus frowned.

"GUYS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE CAN'T CONTINUE OUR CAREFREE PATH TO FRIENDSHIP LIKE THIS."

"It's just…" Undyne raised her head. So did Sans. Both saw in each other's faces full on regret, and nausea, and, and… "It's just not the same."

"PLEASE. YOU MUST TRY."

Sans kept wiping at his damp skull. "man."

"Fine!" Undyne shouted. Her eye twitched. "I'll do this for Papyrus!" She marched towards Sans on the wobbly 'bridge', hefting her spear, ready to smash him to oblivion.

She reached out with her foot. "Take… that."

Her boot gave him a tiny nudge.

Sans stepped backwards. "hey."

Undyne glared at him. "Do it for Papyrus!" she whispered.

"alright, fine." Sans sighed. He summoned a bone projectile to materialize in his hand. He gripped it, holding it out to her like a club and-

"wait."

He looked to the bone.

"wait a second."

Undyne stared at the bone, too. Recognition lit her features.

"wait a fucking second."

Papyrus became confused. "DID YOU FORGET HOW TO DO YOUR SPECIAL ATTACK? WHY, ALL YOU NEED IS-"

Sans hurled the bone away from him, nearly decapitating Undyne's head in the process. But she had already fallen to her knees, her eye both wide and full of loss. Sans had turned away from her.

Papyrus stared. "UM."

Sans' expression was dark, signaling the end of all hope and goodness. "i'm going to hell, aren't i? i'm actually going to hell." He then scraped away at his finger bones, shocked at the atrocities that they had committed.

Undyne was saying something similar in her own mental breakdown, though more along the lines of, "Oh my fucking _god,_ there were so many bones. Why were there so many?" Her face was a mix between incredulousness and pure disgust.

They both started to shake a little.

Papyrus looked at them with newfound wonder. "A RATHER STRANGE NEW TACTIC. BUT THEY BOTH SEEM TO BE MATCHING BLOW FOR BLOW." He smacked a fist into his open palm. "AHA! THIS MUST BE PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE! HOW NICE OF YOU TWO TO DEMONSTRATE FOR ME."

Undyne was rubbing her face in the dirt. Sans was actually fucking crying.

"HMM. ALTHOUGH IT IS A RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE STRATEGY, I MUST ADMIT."

The fight, which consisted of just the gnashing of teeth and implorations to any benevolent force out there, lasted for a good two hours. Papyrus took a lot of notes.

All in all, it had been quite an experience.

* * *

Once on the Surface, Papyrus had wanted to celebrate his cool new life by having another amazing sleepover like last time –

"nope," Sans had answered, sinking into the dining booth where they were having their first brunch in the human world, in an actual human diner! Papyrus' choice, because the grease amount here was quite minimal compared to Grillby's new establishment. "count me out."

"AW. BUT WHY? UNDYNE, PLEASE CONVINCE HIM-"

"No." Undyne crossed her arms, seated next to the tall skeleton. She had been dragged along for brunch, since it was usually so hard to say no to Papyrus. Except on this. "I'm staying over at Alphys' place tonight."

Papyrus huffed. "BUT I EVEN GOT US A NEW DRINK TO CELEBRATE." He pulled out what looked like a wine bottle, seemingly out of nowhere. "SEE? IT'S ALL SPARKLY AND BLUE. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TURN IT AROUND LIKE SO." He demonstrated for his friends, marveling at the wonders of glasswork. "WOWIE!"

At that, Undyne choked, her scales turning a sickly green. She looked at Sans.

He tried to stop her. "wait, no-"

"It was blue, wasn't it?" Undyne's face twitched. "And I had to _move_ or it wouldn't-"

Sans smacked his skull into the table. _"S t o p."_

"Oh MY _GOD!"_ Undyne roared in fury, scaring away nearly half of the human customers.

Papyrus blinked. "UM. WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?"

Neither would answer him. Still.

…Honestly, it was better that way.


End file.
